New floors, new tiles, new fixtures in the bathroom.
Okay, okay, I'll buy it. I'll give you the money.
Only, please, God, stop!
Thank you, Max. Sometimes you can be very sweet.
I know.
- How do I look in this? - Oh, beautiful.
You look beautiful in everything. Mm-hmm.
Hi!
Hi.
What happened?
It was no picnic, but those boys are work animals.
- Well, everything looks pretty well under control. - It does?
Well, not to the layman's eyes, of course.
They completely ripped up our house!
They sure as hell did! They ripped the guts out of it!
They're work animals, I'm telling you!
Look at those holes!
Then you got your gravel piles...
your sand piles, your scrap piles.
- Animals! - Animals.
Well, I like a good conversation as well as anybody, but I gotta run.
Hasta pronto, if you know what I mean.
- Y-You're leaving? - Well, I ain't movin' in.
But we'll be back when you get your permits.
Permits? The permit man was supposed to be here by 4:00.
Oh, he was, but you or your wife weren't here to meet him.
We weren't? Anna's not here?
No, no. I would've noticed.
The permit man was pretty agitated.
Really steamed his clams.
Said he'd be back when you grow udders and get milked.
That's a long time.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, if he ever does come back, you call me and we'll finish the job.
When I do get the permits, how long will the job take?
Two weeks.
Two weeks? Two weeks?
You sound like a parakeet. "Two weeks? Two weeks?"
Well, uh, two weeks. It's... It's amazing.
Amazing, nothing.
It'll be a regular miracle.
Hello?
Oh, hi there.
"Tone"? My voice has no tone.
Because I'm standing in a pile of rubble...
and we don't have the permits to un-rubble it.
"Exaggerating"? Honey, we're living in Swiss cheese with a door.
"Mozart"? Mozart is dead. His troubles are over.
Help me!
All right. I'm sorry.
You're right. If you had to work, you had to work.
Oh, I-I-I love you too.
Where is the guy's number? The permit man.
In the den, you think.
I will pick you up at the station.
Just give me a call when you get there.
"Shrapp"?
Is Mr Shrapp in?
Mr Shrapp. Walter Fielding.
Hey, watch what you say about my mother, now.
Mr Shrapp, let's be adults about this.
I'm... Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon.
My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital.
Well, what would cut any ice with you?
A bribe? Sure. Can you be here in a half an hour?
All right.
Cash? No problem.
Weasel.
Cash. Cash, cash, ca...
H- Help!
¶ Come on, everybody ¶
¶ I said let's play a game ¶
¶ I bet ya I can make a rhyme ¶
¶ Out of anybody's name ¶
Anna! ¶ Anna-Anna, bo-banna ¶
¶ Banana-fanna, fo-fanna ¶
¶ Fee-fi, mo-manna ¶
¶ Anna ¶
Let's try Brad!
¶ Brad, Brad, bo-rad Banana-fanna ¶
Walter!
- Fielding! - ¶ Walter, Walter, bo-balter Banana-fanna, fo-falter ¶
¶ Fee-fi, mo-malter Walter ¶¶
Hello...
Hello! Hello! I'm here!
Are you in there, Fielding?
Y- Yeah! I- I'm here.
M- My chest is constricted.
I can't shout. O- Oww! Oww!
Okay, Fielding, I can hear you in there laughing at me.
This is it, you duck fart!
I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back! Ya hear me, Fielding?
Y- Y-Yes, I hear you!
I'm tearing up your permit!
There!
Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!
Good Lord!
You testin' missiles here, or what?
The house is gonna be great.
Shh.
Oh, my God.
Walter!
Oh! Oh, A-Anna!
Thank God it's you! Thank God! Ohh!
Walter?
- Thank God you're here, honey! - Is that you?
Is it me?
Ha! Is it me?
Anna, I've been here so long I'm hallucinating.
A while ago I thought the Care Bears were here.
Walter?
Farm animals, or geese and chickens...
Walter?
Upstairs!
Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right. Not at all.
No!
- Where are you? - I'm in the den.
NO, you’re not. I was just in there.
I'm in the den. I swear it. Please believe me.
Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired.
I'm right here.
Look, Walter, enough is enough.
I'm right here!
Where?
In the floor, behind the chair.
Ohh!
Oh, laughing.
We're laughing.
The permit man was here.
- Oh, that's good. - No, it's not.
Now tomorrow I've got to take off work, drive to his office...
and kiss his ass.
Oh!
- Well, thanks to that fall we're now the same height.
Yeah, that's much better.
- So, why did rehearsal run so long? - That was my fault.
We got off to a late start because I was haggling with Max over the painting.
How, exactly, would you define "haggling"?
- What do you mean by that? - I thought that was my question.
Are you jealous of Max?
Jealous of Max?
Don't be silly.
Just because he's rich, famous, good-looking, brilliant.
- I mean, what's he got that I haven't got? - Walls.
I feel much better.
Good night, hon.
Good night.
Look out for that thing. You're gonna fall off of it.
Get to work!
Four months since I got those permits.
They're not even half done. They said two weeks for the whole job.
You're telling me this like I haven't been here.
We're going through a rough time.
- Let's remember not to take it out on each other. - You're right.
You hear about that guy up in the Bronx, went crazy, thought he was a pigeon?
They found him in the park throwing bread crumbs at himself.
- He was just putting in a guest bathroom. - Okay.
So let's be nice to each other. We're all we've got.
Don't forget to get the water.
- Haven't I gotten the water every morning for four months? - Walter.
- Do I ever forget the water? - Don't do this. Walter, Walter, Walter!
I'm sorry.
The bucket's in the hall.
I know where the bucket is.
You don't have to tell me where the bucket is.
Stairs! Ha!
A staircase! We have stairs!
Oh, hello, Mr Stairs. I've missed you.
Anna? Anna, darling!
Did you get the water?
We have stairs!
It's happening, honey.
Everything's gonna be fixed.
We have stairs.
That's terrific.
- Everything's gonna be wonderful. - Yes.
Sweetheart, I could really use some water.
Yeah. Right away.
S- Say, Curly?
- Yo! - Could you send up some water?
We're a little busy today, Walter, tryin' to build a house.
I'll get it myself. I'll use my new stairs.
That's my boy.
Tar bucket comin' down.
- Morning, James. - Morning!
- Alka-Seltzer. - Just a minute.
Any idea when you're going to be finished here?
- Two weeks. - That's what I thought.
Alka-Seltzer. Here you go.
Oh. You know you're almost out of birth control pills?
Thank you, James.
Walter. Walter!
The water! I know. I'm getting it.
Hey, Walter!
You want this room painted blue, like in the hallway?
No, I do not. That's all wood... What do you mean, "like the hallway"?
The hallway. Blue, right?
I want nothing blue. Nothing!
Oh, man. Now I gotta go flush out my paint sprayer.
Oh, that's a bummer.
- ¶¶ - Have you seen Mr Fielding?
- Fielding? - Yeah.
Don't know any Fieldings around here. In Cincinnati...
Walter?
Oh, Walter! Yeah, Walter.
He was supposed to bring me a bucket of water.
- Bring you some water? - Yeah. Do... No...
- Ohh! Ohh! - How's that?
It's a miracle.
Yeah!
¶¶
Walter.
- I wanna ask you something. You're a lawyer, right? - Yeah.
Last year my father was hit in the head by a golf ball.
- ¶¶ - Oh, can I unplug...
Now, he seemed okay...
but last week we were watching TV...
and I put on the Bob Hope Desert Classic from Palm Springs.
He goes friggin' nuts!
My father, not Bob Hope.
So he kicks in the friggin' TV screen. Now...
¶¶
I'd have to study it, but I'd say you got a great case against Bob Hope.
Thanks, man.
Aaah!
¶¶
That was not so bad.
- Are you happy with that one? - I am not unhappy with it.
It's the best that miserable symphony has ever sounded.
You have my congratulations, and you may go home.
But don't you want to hear it back?
No, if there's something wrong with it it's your fault...
and you will hang for it.
Do you have a cigarette?
I'm sorry.
It was beautiful, Max.
Better than Szell's version?
Mmm, I wondered why you did this. I know you never liked it.
Well?
- It was better. - Thank you.
It's a pity that son of a bitch isn't alive...
because it would kill him to hear that.
Have you got a cigarette?
You stopped smoking five years ago.
I started again two weeks ago.
Can I have the damn cigarette?
Mmm. Filters.
You seem a little tense.
Your shoulders are up over your ears.
- Are you all right? - Don't I look all right?
In a word, no.
The only good part of our divorce was that it seemed to make you happy.
For you to be without me and unhappy...
is such a waste.
You are making me sad.
Walter's in Philadelphia...
and the idea of going back to that house, alone...
Oh, God.
Why don't we have dinner and a huge amount of alcohol?
I'm not dressed for a restaurant.
My place. Our old place.
You can have a hot bath.
We'll have a fire. Hwang will make anything you want for dinner.
Duck I'orange.
Twelve-year-old scotch.
In clean glasses.
That can be arranged.
I'm not going to bed with you.
I may not ask you.
Oh, my God.
Good morning.
- Oh, my God. - What's wrong?
What happened? What did we do?
- What have we done? Oh, my God! - Calm down.
- You were a little looped. You sang a few songs. - The Beatles?
- The entire catalogue. - What else?
- You don't remember? - It was duck for dinner. Right?
- Followed by crepe Suzettes. - I don't remember the crepe Suzettes.
- You don't remember the piano? - No.
- Under the piano? - I don't wanna hear any more.
- It was incredible. Better than Zurich. - Zurich?
- The police came. You don't remember any of this? - Oh, no.
My shoe!
- Not my shoe! - Last night you were the animal I remember.
- I don't need shoes! - Come back to me, and the police will come every night.
- I love you. - This is a nightmare.
Last night you said you loved me...
that we would be together the rest of our lives.
I wasn't drunk, I was insane!
- When are you going to tell Walter? - Never!
- You're just going to walk out on him without saying anything? - I am not walking out on him.
I am in love with him. Not you, him.
- No, this whole wonderful realization has confused you. - Oh!
Talk this over with Walter, and you'll see.
- Lying. - What?
I'm going to have to do a lot of lying.
- No. Tell him the truth. - I'll lose him.
Hey, take a chance.
¶ Bump-bump-ba-bump-bump ¶
¶ Bump-bump-bump ¶
¶ Bump-bump-ba-bump-bump ¶
¶ Bump-bump-bump ¶
¶ Bump-bump-ba-bump-bump ¶
- ¶¶ - You'd better let me off here.
- I don't think you can make it up the driveway. - They testin' missiles here?
That's right, buddy, we are, and it's very hush-hush. Top secret.
So forget you were up here and forget you saw any of this.
- And forget about a tip. ¶ I am a pizza ¶
- ¶ Ready to munch ¶ - Ah, home, crap home.
- ¶ I am a pizza ¶ - ¶ I am a pi... ¶¶
I still can't get used to the idea of having hot water whenever we want it.
Yeah. Yeah.
- So, what'd you do last night? - Oh, nothing much.
Where'd you eat?
What?
Last night. Where did you eat?
Oh. The Four Seasons.
Well, I'm glad it wasn't anything special.
Actually, it was a little special.
We had just done probably the finest performance...
of Haydn's Surprise Symphony ever.
Really.
Uh, please tell me you didn't pay.
I didn't.
Max took us.
- Well, that must have been some performance. - It was.
It's never been my favourite piece of music, but we really did it well.
How was Max?
Fine!
I mean, he was very pleased with himself.
He asked after you.
- Oh, that's... that's very nice. - Mm-hmm.
Did you sleep with him?
I hope you don't mind.
- Of course, we can't go back to the Four Seasons again.
Did you?
Walter!
Did you?
Are you serious?
Well, I know you weren't here last night...
because I called, and, uh, guess what.
I don't know. You tell me.
No answer.
Walter, do you want to tell me what you're saying?
I'm not saying anything.
Actually, what I'm saying is...
that I would hope that if there was something for you to tell me...
for example, that you'd spent last night with Max... that you would tell me...
that it would be okay for you to tell me.
You're just going to have to trust me.
Oh, I-I trust you.
I do trust you. I just want you to tell me the truth.
Well, I did.
Well, then, that's the end of it.
You would tell me, wouldn't you?
- Walter. - I just want you to be honest with me.
I can take anything except lies.
People slip up. Christ, I understand that.
It happens all the time.
I mean, I'm not some meathead chauvinist provincial.
- Is that all? - No. No.
I'm jealous. I'm very jealous of Max.
I'm not crazy about the idea of you sleeping with him, but if you did it and didn't tell me...
that would really bother me.
Without changing my plea, I would like to know why.
Because it underestimates me.
Not telling me assumes I'm incapable of understanding why you did it.
Not that you did it. Had you done it.
Did you?
You want me to tell you the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
If we can't be honest with each other, what else have we got?
And you'll believe in me? You'll understand?
Of course I will. I love you.
I love you too, but I did not sleep with Max last night.
No?
Can we knock this off and go to sleep?
I love you.
Mmm. I love you.
Walter?
- Walter! - Walter.
- Are you awake? - Yeah!
Yeah, I'm awake. What is it?
I have to talk to you.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna do this. It's so stupid.
What is it? What's the matter?
I lied to you about Max.
Apparently I went to his apartment, I got drunk...
I guess I sang a few songs...
and apparently I, um...
slept with him.
- I know I shouldn't be telling you this. - No. No.
It's okay.
It's only proved to me how much I love you.
Oh, that sounds stupid too, but it's true.
I love you, Walter. I love you.
It's okay.
Everything's okay.
You won't hold it against me? You can forgive me?
Sure. Can we talk about this in the morning?
I'm so tired.
Do we have to talk about it? Can't we just put this behind us?
Yeah.
I love you.
You whore!
I leave town for 5 minutes, you can't wait to leap into the sack with old Max!
You... bastard!
- That's right! Laying it off on me! - You hypocrite!
- I'm not the one screwing around! - "Just be honest with me. "
- How long has this been going on? - You chauvinist meathead!
I'm not telling you anything!
Now or ever again!
Oh, this is perfect! Guess who suddenly turns into the injured party!
- Where do you think you're going? - Someplace where you're not!
- Well, then, you stay here, because I'm leaving! - Fine!
Get out! I never want to see you again!
The plasterer came?
¶¶
¶ Para bailar la bamba ¶
¶ Para bailar la bamba se necesita ¶
¶ Una poca de gracia ¶
¶ Una poca de gracia par mi para ti ¶
- ¶¶ - Hey, Walter.
What happened? Your old lady kick you out?
I do not wish to discuss my domestic difficulties with you, Julio.
That's okay. I figure she threw his ass out.
- No, she did not throw my ass out! - No, you had your chance, man.
This is between me and Duke.
I'm not payin' you guys to stand around. You wanna get to work?
We can't do nothin' till the plumbin' inspector gets here.
There's no plumbing in that wall.
- No? - We can take off and you can call us when he gets here.
Just stay where you are. I fell for that one before.
Ooh! Ohh!
¶¶
You’re up bright and early.
I didn't sleep very well.
You look great. Got a date?
Yes, with the Marine Corps Band.
I'm starting with the brass, and I'm working my way to the drum section.
- Don't you think we should talk? - This is not the time.
- I'm mad, and I'm getting madder. - Oh! What do you think I am?
- I think you're a jerk. - I know that.
- I didn't realize how big a jerk I was until last night. - Neither did I.
Let's just pack it in, then. Let's just finish this thing right here and now!
- Fine. - I'll pack a bag for you and send the rest later.
- You expect me to move out? - You shouldn't have any trouble finding a bed.
- I got a bed, lady. - Get the hell outta here! This is private!
What makes you think you can just throw me out of my own house?
You're the one who's moving.
I have worked and slaved... suffered and put myself in hock up to my eyes...
and you want me to move out because you've got the hots for Max?
NO way! You hear me?
I have worked and slaved and suffered for this house every bit as much as you have!
Actually more, because I had to put up with you!
This is ridiculous! You don't even like this house!
I love this house!
You've done nothing but complain about it since we got here!
I did one other thing... I sunk every nickel I had in the world in this house!
- And you'll get it all back! - Me and everyone you've ever met!
"I'll pay you back" will be written on your gravestone!
I wouldn't give lectures on the value of promises!
- Your word didn't do too well on this last outing! - Yours is fine!
It's certainly a lot better than your cheque!
I'll get you your money back!
I don't want the money! This is my house, and I'm not moving!
It's a big house! We'll divide it up!
You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!
That is such a dumb idea.
Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.
I'm sure it does. You've never passed a bar in your life.
You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.
- Thank goodness it's not that often. - All right, that's it!
I've had it with you, the house, Max, the orchestra and everything!
How long will it take to put this place together?
Two weeks.
Two weeks! Two weeks.
Okay, we'll stick it out until the house is finished.
Then we'll sell it, get our money back and get the hell away from each other.
Fine.
Get back to work!
Bam! Zoom!
What are you doing here?
- You missed a rehearsal. - That's right.
- Did you tell Walter what happened between us? - Yes.
And what did he say?
Walter and I are through.
- I hate us both. - You'll get over it.
- You'll come back to me. - No.
I'm just going away someplace.
You can't go anywhere. We have performances.
You don't understand. I have to get away from here, from both of you.
You are leaving the symphony?
What have I done?
Oh, it wasn't your fault. It was my fault.
I was weak.
NO, you weren't.
What?
I made it up.
You made what up, Max?
You slept in the bedroom. I slept in the living room.
Sex would have been a miracle.
Oh, Max!
I wanted you back, and I truly thought I could make you happy this time.
Oh, Max.
Tell Walter the truth.
No.
He couldn't forgive me, and I can't forgive him for that.
He's lost a wonderful woman, and I know what that's like.
I've lost many.
- You must hate me. - No.
I used to hate you. Now I hate Walter.
Lucky guy.
- Walter! - Well, this is an unexpected revulsion.
Are you hot? Can I take your life?
I can see that my presence here...
could be construed as in poor taste.
- No! - Do you realize what you've done?
You've taken a woman who loves you...
one of the great women on the face of this Earth...
and thrown her away.
I've lost her too, but I'll get over it because I am shallow and self-centred.
But you, you won't because you are complex.
You will suffer terrible anguish for the rest of your life.
This is turning out to be a pretty good day.
- Good day. - ¶¶
Smooth strokes.
Up and down.
Paint, don't tickle.
And don't smoke.
¶¶
Well, folks, I guess this is hasta "so-long-a. "
You know, just between us...
there were a couple of times when I didn't think we'd ever be able to put this baby back up.
- But it, uh, it turned out. - It's beautiful, Curly.
It is, really, much better than I imagined.
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
One more job, though. Here's your key.
It's the only one I've got. Who wants it?
Hmm?
Well, I'll just put it on the bannister here.
You'll have no trouble selling this place, that's for sure.
- Shirk Brothers'll give you a million for it tomorrow. - Great.
No, this wasn't an easy one, but the foundation was good, I'll say that.
And if that's okay, then everything else can be fixed.
Well, goodbye, folks. Good luck.
Well, this is it.
Are you going to spend the night here?
No. You?
I'm already packed.
I'd better get packed myself.
I'll get my bags.
Walter?
This step. This... This was our step.
This is where it all started to...
Turn to crap.
Too late to put it back together, isn't it?
You slept with Max, and I don't care.
What?
I don't care.
Well, I care, but not enough for us to be apart.
Really?
Really.
I'm glad you slept with him, because now I know how much I really love you.
You sleeping with Max was the best thing that could've happened to us.
I didn't sleep with him.
Thank God.
¶¶
- Ohh! - Over here!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
¶¶
Look at me! Hey! Walter!
A big smile!
Hold it! Hold it there! One more! Ready?
Hold it! Way to go! Thank you. I got it.
It's a very nice house, and the price is reasonable.
Reasonable? It's a steal.
Oh, honey! It's so beautiful.
You buy or not?
We're buying.
You can count it if you like, but you'll find it's all there.
Carlos, come on!
We haven't got all day! Let's go!
Mein wife.
Auf wiedersehen... Ah.
Hasta la vista.
¶ Where shall we build a house ¶
¶ How do the roses grow ¶
¶ Are you and I in love ¶
¶ How do we really know ¶
¶ If love is on our side ¶
¶ You'll know when I'm in trouble ¶
¶ That's when my heart decides ¶
¶ TO go wherever you will go ¶
¶ The heart is so willing ¶
¶ To follow ¶
¶ The heart shows the way ¶
¶ Out of the night ¶
¶ The heart roams ¶
¶ In search of tomorrow ¶
¶ But love takes the hand ¶
¶ That guides the light ¶
¶ When shadows fall ¶
¶ And there's no one there ¶
¶ To help or listen ¶
¶ I feel your every breath ¶
¶ I hear the words you say ¶
¶ And I keep turning back ¶
¶ To hear the music play ¶
¶ I'll make no promises ¶
¶ False promises can break you ¶
¶ How can you call me home ¶
¶ Wanting me like yesterday ¶
¶ How do we fix the moon ¶
¶ How do we change the sky ¶
¶ How do I make you laugh ¶
¶ The way I make you cry ¶
¶ I'll make no promises ¶
¶ False promises can break you ¶
¶ But love's no accident ¶
¶ Time is on our side ¶
¶ The heart is so willing ¶
¶ To follow, oh ¶
¶ The heart shows the way ¶
¶ Out of the night ¶
¶ The heart roams ¶
¶ In search of tomorrow ¶
¶ But love takes the hand ¶
¶ That guides the light ¶
¶ The heart is so willing ¶
- ¶ To follow ¶ - ¶ Yes, the heart is so willing to follow ¶
¶ The heart shows the way ¶
¶ Out of the night ¶
¶ Oh, the heart is so Oh, the heart is ¶
¶ The heart roams ¶
¶ In search of tomorrow ¶
¶ But love takes the hand ¶
¶ That guides the light ¶
¶ The heart is so willing ¶
¶ To follow ¶
¶ The heart shows the way ¶
¶ Out of the night ¶
¶ The heart roams ¶
¶ In search of tomorrow ¶
¶ And love takes the hand ¶
¶ That guides the light ¶
¶ The heart is so willing ¶¶